G4C Festival, The Job Search, Programming, Bday, The Bell Jar

Another update dump. I've been feeling strange the past two weeks. Will elaborate on that later in the post. A number of things have happened though!

I had an amazing time at the 10th Games For Change Festival last week. Live-tweeting for the event got stressful because I kept having internet connectivity issues and there weren't many outlets for us to charge our devices. That aside, I really enjoyed the talks and had a fun time! It was great to see so many people interested in social impact games. I even had the chance to meet some reps from Amplify Education. The background to this is that they're one of the companies where I've submitted a job application. Not clear where it will go from here, but... fingers crossed.

Speaking of job apps, that's something that I haven't talked about much. Probably because I don't like thinking about it. It's a necessary evil and I can accept that, but it doesn't make the process any less miserable. Perhaps I'm not casting a wide enough net...? As one of my friends said, this is the result of being over-educated. (Humbug!! to that.)

Phoenix Perry's Code Liberation class to teach women C++ game programming also started. The first class went a bit above my head. The pace was too fast without enough explanation in between. The second class (which was yesterday) was much better. I know what objects are! I've also dipped back into Codecademy's JavaScript course. I'm sure it's not a good idea to try to learn two languages simultaneously. BUT, in my defense, some things from Codecademy have already proved useful. (i) I already knew what a modulus % was when we discussed it in class. (ii) C++ cout really confused me in class last week, but making the connection to the JS console.log command helped.

I also learned something about myself in the past week. I don't know why, but it's taken me until now to realize how much I want to learn programming. I suppose it's because I knew it would be quite an undertaking, at least in terms of the proficiency I want to obtain. But feeling frustrated in the Code Liberation class (and at times in the NY Game Makers meetups on Sat) resulted in me saying to myself, "ENOUGH! I WILL LEARN!" I think I'll really love it. Also, I'm just tired of not knowing. I can teach myself!! I'm a big girl now!!

Tues, the day before yesterday, was my 30th birthday! I had an awesome time, even though nothing particularly new or interesting happened. I had a productive morning/afternoon. I FINALLY resubmitted that WIDGET blog post I'd been editing for eternity and even managed to consolidate my loans (!!). In the evening, I went to the NYC Games Forum demo night and shared some cupcakes from Magnolia at the usual post-demo night pub. After that, I met up with the loveliest of ladies for ramen + bubble tea + endless chats. Despite how hard society tries to convince me that I should feel awful about getting "old", I felt pretty damn good! =D

For the most part, I still feel pretty good today. I know it's only been two days, but given how strange I've been feeling the past two weeks... feeling pretty good for two days is a milestone. Recently I've gone from feeling really down to really great and then back to really down and back to really great. At best, it's been tiring. At worst, it's been... much worse. The best way I can describe it is a feeling of extreme detachment. Instead of living your life, you're idly watching it go by without processing what you're seeing. The main character in Sylvia Plath's The Bell Jar describes it accurately.

I guess I should have been excited the way most of the other girls were, but I couldn't get myself to react. I felt very still and very empty, the way the eye of a tornado must feel, moving dully along in the middle of the surrounding hullabaloo.

I still can't decide if I'd rather feel sad than feel nothing. Both don't seem right. I suppose at the end of the day though, the choice isn't really mine -- weird as that is. As you might guess, this means I've actually started reading The Bell Jar. It's been on my to-read list for years. I've put it off mostly out of fear. The same way I fear playing Depression Quest. I remind myself though that if anything gets too bad, I can always stop reading/playing.

Oh! I can't believe I almost forgot to mention. I've started doing my writing at the beginning of the day instead of at the end. Thus far, it's proven helpful; I'm less likely to forget and my mind feels much more clear (even with the morning grogginess!). I really like it and intend to keep it up! Funnily enough, it was a Salon advice column response on how to become a writer that inspired me to make the switch to the morning.

That said, time to start the rest of the day!

Games For Change Festival and More Anita Saarkesian Backlash

The 10th Games For Change Festival is next week. So volunteering duties have amped up a bit. I'm super excited about the event. There's going to be lots of famous keynote speakers and some really interesting games for change that I can't wait to play! Like all other volunteering jobs I've done before, the only sad part is that I can't actually go to everything without cloning myself.

E3 is going on this week. There's a lot of buzz about upcoming games, the next gen consoles, etc. What upset me today though is an article in The Daily Dot called Where Anita Sarkeesian goes, sexism follows -- even to E3. To summarize the post, Anita Sarkeesian tweeted about how none of the games revealed at the Xbox One E3 press conference featured a female protagonist... and the backlash, of course, was awful. I had to stop reading her Tumblr post which has screencaps of some of the comments thrown at her because it disgusted me so much. Sometimes I'm torn about reading these things. On the one hand, I want to stay in-the-know and be aware of the issues that are going on. On the other hand though, the degree of negativity (among other things) is simply toxic. I don't know how Anita Sarkeesian has the mental and emotional fortitude to deal with all of this.

To end on a happier note, I'm SO happy to see SO many women involved in the Games For Change Festival -- both on the organizing end and the participant/speaker end. Also on a happy note, Phoenix Perry's Code Liberation course to teach women how to program is coming up next week too. Lots to look forward to!